Ways to get to a girls heart

1. Hug her from behind. 

2. Grab her hand when you guys walk next to each other. 

3. When standing, wrap your arms around her. 

4. Cuddle with her. 

5. Dont force her to do ANYTHING! 

6. Write little notes. 

7. Compliment her. 

8. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible. 

9. Say I love you.....and MEAN IT! 

10. Brush the hair out of her eyes 

11. Comfort her when she cries. 

12. Love her with all your heart 

Unusual Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her

morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession

approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long

black hearse about 50 feet behind the

first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary

woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance

back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully

approached the woman walking the dog and said,

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a

bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.

Whose

funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was

trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Anxious pregnant woman

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. 

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

McDonald�s application form

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald�s in Florida� and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!


NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company�s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever�s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn�t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that�s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I�m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they�re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be �Do you have a car that runs?�

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I�m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I�d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Essence of trust is not in its bind

A little girl and her father were crossing a bridge.

The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter:

"Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river." 
The little girl said:

"No, Dad. You hold my hand."

"What's the difference?" Asked the puzzled father.

"There's a big difference," replied the little girl.

"If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go."

In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond. 
So hold the hand of the person whom you love rather than expecting them to hold yours.

I am Thankful

For the wife

who says it's hot dogs tonight,

because she is home with me,

and not out with someone else.

For the husband

who is on the sofa

being a couch potato,

because he is home with me

and not out at the bars.

For the teenager

who is complaining about doing dishes

because it means she is at home,

not on the streets.

For the taxes i pay

because it means

i am employed.

For the mess to clean after a party

because it means i have

been surrounded by friends.

For the clothes that fit a little too snug

because it means

i have enough to eat.

For my shadow that watches me work

because it means

i am out in the sunshine

For a lawn that needs mowing,

windows that need cleaning,

and gutters that need fixing

because it means i have a home.

For all the complaining

i hear about the government

because it means

we have freedom of speech..

For the parking spot

i find at the far end of the parking lot

because it means i am capable of walking

and i have been blessed with transportation.

For my huge heating bill

because it means

i am warm.

For the pile of laundry and ironing

because it means

i have clothes to wear.

For weariness and aching muscles

at the end of the day

because it means i have been

capable of working hard.

For the alarm that goes off

in the early morning hours

because it means i am alive.

by Amy

When a girl....

When a GIRL is quiet,

Millions of things are running in her mind

When a GIRL is not arguing,

She is thinking deeply

When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions,

She is wondering how long you will be around

When a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after a few seconds,

She is not at all fine

When a GIRL stares at you,

She is wondering why you are lying

When a GIRL lays on your chest,

She is wishing for you to be hers forever

When a GIRL calls you everyday,

She is seeking for your attention

When a GIRL sms's u everyday,

She wants you to reply at least once

When a GIRL says I love you,

She means it

When a GIRL says that she can't live without you,

She has made up her mind that you are her future

When a GIRL says "i miss you",

No one in this world can miss you more

than that.

by Rian