Unusual Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her

morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession

approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long

black hearse about 50 feet behind the

first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary

woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance

back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully

approached the woman walking the dog and said,

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a

bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.

Whose

funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was

trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Anxious pregnant woman

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. 

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

McDonald�s application form

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald�s in Florida� and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!


NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company�s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever�s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn�t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that�s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I�m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they�re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be �Do you have a car that runs?�

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I�m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I�d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Annoying things to do on an elevator

1) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.


2) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.


3) MEOW occasionally.


4) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly


5) SAY -DING at each floor.


6) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.


7) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."


8) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."


9) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.


10) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"


11) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it


12.) talk on your cell phone in a Jersey Accent

100 hundred

Wife: Why are you late?
Hubby: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Wife: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Hubby: No. I was standing on it

Funny Story

Boy: Marry me?
Girl: Do you have a house?
Boy: No..
Girl: Do you have a BMW car?
Boy: No..
Girl: How much is your salary?
Boy: No salary.. but.
Girl: No but. You have nothing. How can I marry you? Just leave me, please!!
.
.
.
.
.




Boy: *talking to himself* I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2 Porsche.. Why I still need to buy BMW?! How can I get the salary when actually I'm the BOSS?

Funny Story Part II

A man found a genie who granted him 3 wishes. 

Genie was told to provide all things he lacked. 

Genie found that he had no water so he gave him water. 

Genie saw that he had no money, so he was given a bank. 

Genie then saw that he had no problem, genie gave him a wife. :D

Now this is what you call FB Addiction

Teacher:  What will you do after growing up?

Student:  Facebook'ing

Teacher:  NO! I mean what will you BECOME?

Student:  Admin of facebook pages ;)

Teacher:  OMG! I MEAN wat will you ACHIEVE after you grow up?

Student:  Facebook Admin Rights

Teacher:  IDIOT! I MEAN what will you do for your PARENTS?

Student:  I create a page for them on facebooK. 'I Love MOM & DAD'

Teacher:  Stupid! What do your parents want from YOU?

Student:  My facebook password!

Teacher:  Oh God! What IS THE PURPOSE OF YOUR LIFE?

Student:  Facebook but never face your books! :D

Who's the idiot now?

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. 

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

 "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer. 

"Well actually I don't," said the student, 

"but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."